Sunday, October 26, 2008

The First Impression

…is a lasting impression. The sooner you learn that the first impression you make on a woman is a lasting – and possibly perpetual – impression, the better for you.

In the event that you meet a woman you would like to know better, there are a few things you should keep in mind. There are three phases to this: the pre-meeting phase, the meeting phase, and the post-meeting phase.

Pre-meeting phase: At no point in your life are you sure of what will happen in the next second. Therefore, it is imperative that you plan accordingly and expect the unexpected. Sure, you do not think you will meet a girl at the mechanic shop, but what if you do? That being said, keep the following in mind:

1. A funky man is not a sexy man. Did you know our sense of smell is our strongest one? How can she take you seriously when your stench is clogging up her lungs? You should endeavor to smell good at all times. This is not an impossible task. I do not ask that you shower in cologne that will cause her to wheeze and suffer from symptoms of bronchitis; I do, however demand that you brush your teeth before leaving the house. Some kind of working deodorant will not hurt either.

2. Nobody – and I do mean NOBODY – looks good chewing gum. Whether your mouth is open or close while chewing has no bearing. Whether you chew or suck the gum does not matter either. Do not be caught leaving your house with a piece of gum in your mouth. Chewing gum while talking to her is a major distraction to her.

3. We are in the 21st century. In this century, you do not beckon on a woman by making kissing sounds as if you are calling out to Bingo, your dog. In this century, you do not get a woman’s attention by doing the ‘pssst!’ thing; for goodness sake, you are not in third grade hollering at your boys. You do not whistle at her as if you are flagging down an okada. And you most certainly do not guess her name by her complexion. Just because she is light-skinned does not mean her name is Chichi or Amaka. Lastly, you may think it is cute, but licking your lips as you stare at a woman like she’s a piece of steak or suya is very disgusting, and it sends all kinds of mixed signals.

Meeting Phase: So you have spotted the girl, and you think you would like to get to know her better. You look good; you smell good; life is good. Sometimes, it is not easy thinking of what to say when you approach her. Calm down; it’s okay. If you cannot think of what to say, please think of what not to say.

1. No hanky-panky please. If you want to know if she is single, ask her. Approaching her with cheesy lines like “I cannot believe your boyfriend let you come here all by yourself,” is as dumb as it is annoying. What if she agrees with you and says she cannot believe her boyfriend let her come there alone? What then becomes of you?

2. Contrary to popular belief, flattery will not get you everywhere. Only the right flattery will get you everywhere. Complimenting a light-skinned lady as ebony will not score you any brownie points. And if you are not sure of the color of her eyes, please reserve your right to not compliment them. Hazel eyes are not brown eyes. They never have been; they aren’t now, and they never will be.

3. The truth does not always set you free. You must not say everything that comes to your mind. It may be hard to believe, but some things are better left unsaid. Yes, Dakore has a striking resemblance to Bob-Manuel Udokwu, but must you say it? If the lady you are interested in happens to look like Dakore, please do not tell her that she reminds you of Bob-Manuel. Bob-Manuel is not a bad looking man by any stretch of the word, but no woman wants to remind a man of another man. It is as troubling as it is painful. That being said, Dakore remains a very beautiful woman.

4. Say what you mean and mean what you say. There is a trend going on in the boy-meets-girl world. I call it the he-screwed-up-at-the-last-minute trend. There are countless demons in the world, but I am yet to figure out which one possesses a man to screw up in such a way. I want to know why a man, after approaching a girl, successfully having small talk with her, making her laugh, and acquiring her ‘digits’ would say to her, “Call me sometime, okay? We can hang out.” Why, oh, why would you lay the burden of calling on her? This may seem small to you, but on our planet (Venus), this is a major offense, and it is punishable by permanent deletion of your number from our phonebook, or the movement of your number to the do-not-answer group. Look at it this way: if she wanted to call you, she would have asked for your number one way or another. You do not ask a lady for her number and then tell her to call you.

Post-Meeting Phase: You have survived the pre-meeting phase and the meeting phase; do not screw up in the post-meeting phase. You have come too far to end it. There is light at the end of the tunnel, gentlemen --- if you keep it up.

1. Do not make a career out of calling. All things being equal, the day you meet a girl and successfully excite her, you leave footprints in her memory. The thing about footprints is that time washes them away. The longer you take to call, the fainter your footprints will become. If you are not there to make more prints, you will be demoted from ‘Luke, the funny guy I met at the bar’ to ‘some guy.’ In other words, you may be nice, but you are still very forgettable, trust me. If you do not want to be actually forgotten, call within no more than forty-eight hours, or else you will become a faceless name in her phonebook.

2. Limit the phone calls. If you call her and she does not pick up, leave a message and wait for her to call you back. If she says she will call you back, wait for her to call you back. If you do not hear from her for days, you can call her again, but please wait at least twenty-four hours before you do so. If she has a habit of not picking up or returning your calls, cut her off. Any woman who wants to call a man will never be too busy to do just that. Badgering her with phone calls raises red flags. There is a thin line between an enthusiastic admirer and a crazy phone stalker. You do not want to be identified as the latter.

3. Pick a date. Keep the date. Assuming you called her at the right time and you both finally picked a day for your date, make sure you agree on a date that works for you...and keep the date! Cancelling your first date is like cancelling an interview for a highly competitive job: the rescheduled interview (if there is one) is a steeper hill to climb. Keep in mind that just because you are not calling her does not mean no one else is calling her. In order words, make hay while the sun shines. If you must cancel, it better be because you are trapped in a whale’s stomach – or something like that.

4. Save the drama. There are countless things to talk about on your first date. Your psychotic ex who slashes your tires and sabotages all your potential relationships should not be one of them. Save the doggie-style-is-my-favorite-sex-position conversation for a dozen dates later. And while we are on the subject of sex, please refrain from the how-many-people-have-you-had-sex-with conversation. You can always have that conversation some other time – like never.

***When you do have that successful date, please feel very free to send me a bottle of perfume (like Pour Femme by Bvlgari) as a thank-you gift***

DISCLAIMER: If you follow all the rules and things still don’t work out, please forward all your complaints to God. Unlike me, He’s available 24/7.


http://www.verastic.com/

vera@verastic.com

P. O. BOX 7893
Essex MD 21221
United States of America

443-934-9039

37 comments:

Mr C said...

First

Mr C said...

Second

Mr C said...

Nice article. Makes perfect sense.

ShonaVixen said...

2nd!!
lmao...gurl this is so true!!!gosh, the licking of lips should stay with LL Cool J, he's the only man allowed to do that!!
loved reading this gurl!!!

Favoured Girl said...

LOL LOL!

This is funny:

If you must cancel, it better be because you are trapped in a whale’s stomach – or something like that.

:)

Temite said...

You dis woman. You will not kill me o. you will not kill me. Hahaha that was funny but true. I really hope all the Men out there will heed your advice.
XOXO

LusciousRon said...

Oh Vera I love you so!
I have told my guy friends these a million times thanks for reiteting these points.

Can I copy this to my fb as a note so all those Marsians stalking me there can have a clue?

Eagerly awaiting your response.

wordsmith said...

as in ...you just photocopied my pet peeves and put for here ...

thanks o. you can be the official ambassador to mars of the womenarefromvenus commitee.

Vera Ezimora said...

Mr. C: Thanks Mr. C!! I'm thanking you three times for all three comments. lol.

Shona Vixen: Thanks, love. I'm glad you enjoyed. Even though I don't care for LL, I have to admit that he looks good licking his lips, but he's sending the wrong message to our men. They think they can do it too! lol.

Favored Girl: Yes ke! That is the only plausible reason for why a man will set up a date and then cancel it.

Temite: I hope they will heed my advise too, but I seriously doubt it. They'll probably read it and go on doing whatever they were doing. What does this Vera gal know anyway? lol.

Lusciousron: You're welcome to post it on facebook. The more people that read it, the merrier. If it's not too much trouble, just include my website (www.verastic.com) at the end of it, pretty please. Thanks, love.

Wordsmith: LOL @ photocopying your pet peeves. I'll be very happy to be that ambassador. Y shall I shy?

miz-cynic said...

yes o. i especially agree with that one tht says....dont give an escape route line like.....1. No hanky-panky please. If you want to know if she is single, ask her. Approaching her with cheesy lines like “I cannot believe your boyfriend let you come here all by yourself,” is as dumb as it is annoying. What if she agrees with you and says she cannot believe her boyfriend let her come there alone? What then becomes of you?. recently one guy with the toasting on street style came up to me and just cos i wanted to scare hi off with....yes...any problem...he quikly said..ah sorryy o...or are u married....i quickly said....yes i am...ode! DID HE NOT SEE THERE WAS NO RING ON MY FINGER.

ibiluv said...

i like..i like......

SPEECHgirl Bucknor said...

but some guys leave with u with a great first impression, then turn out to be total dooshbags!

Nefertiti said...

LMAO.... It better be because you are trapped in a Whale's stomach... hella funny!

Naapali said...

Brush teeth and use working deodorant.
- are you sure you are not asking for too much?

Vera Ezimora said...

Miz-Cynic: LOL. Yeah, I think some guys do it thinking that they are flattering us by saying our boyfriends are so lucky to have us blah blah blah, but it's really ANNOYING.

Ibiluv: Thanks, darling.

Speechgirl: True, true, true. It happens both ways. But what can we do but pray and hope we choose wisely?

Nefertiti: Yes oh. I stand by my words. That is the only reason why you should cancel on a date. Other than that, hmmm.....wahala dey oh.

Naapali: LOL. Hahahaha. Am I really? Hahaha.

rayo said...

oh vera, mayb they shld distribute this to guys as soon as they hit puberty, save us a lot of trouble.

Standtall said...

Correct!

LusciousRon said...

thank you Vera you should see the feedbacks I have been getting from that note. O boy!

UnNaked Soul said...

If I remember correctly, there isn't any rule to engaging a woman not unless you are in Shakespeare's new play...

Women are like complex arithmetic, if you get the figures and the formula right then the variables are nothing to be scared of... trust me, I know... :-D

Hello V... :-)

Banky W said...

"do not make a career out of calling" and "limit the phone calls" are words of wisdom. I have wayyy too many "do not answers" in my phonebook now, but that's just from stalker-ish people who happened to find my phone number.

Anyway, i like the whole post. It should be required reading, for guys and girls.

~ B.W.

talesandtallies said...

Now my oga needs to see this... he needs serious pointers!Lol

FFF said...

like u couldn't have said it better,gurl

princesa said...

I ope the men are reading this, damn...it's too easy!

seye said...

That's a sigh and many thoughts on this one

Buki said...

Love this! Wish you could turn it to a manual and recommend it for men for guy from the age of 15...and I really hope many men get to read this and realize the importance of not phone-stalking girls...first time on your blog...nice spot.

Emeka Amakeze said...

I liked your disclaimer cos there is always an exception to every rule. Nice thought though.

gbengasile said...

Man, classic post. I'll need to read this again and again. I can imagine how many wrong first impressions I must have made in my time . . . but then, girls could be weird and unpredictable. The 21st century girl likes the 'nasty type' you know the dreadlocked and chewing gum-chewing type. Seriously, it works now. I know this crazy dude who smokes like a chimney and wears the stench in his breath like some new model breathmints! Tell you what, this guy's got them babes in their numbers! Maybe he dey use jazz, abi?

Vera Ezimora said...

Rayo: It will, won't it? LOL. I will try to distribute it in all elementary schools asap. lol.

Standtall: You're welcome, love.

LusciousRon: Babe, make I see some of that feedback na... biko.

UnNaked Soul: You're mad. When are you gonna come back 2 blogging sef? I miss you oh. And how dare you compare women to complex arithmetic???

Banky W: I call the stalkerish people on my phone 'nuisances.' I have Nuisance #1, Nuisance #2, etc. But you're a star anyway, so expect more Do Not Answers on your phone.

TalesAndTallies: Okay, well make sure your oga reads it then oh. Tell him to email me when he's done; I wanna know what he thinks. lol.

FFF: Thanks, love. Thank you!!

Princessa: Abi oh, my sister. I surely hope they are reading too. I wrote it specially for them.

Seye: Please reveal your thouhts!

Buki: Thanks, babe! It'd be nice to turn it into a manual, wouldn't it? I'll think about it.

Emeka Amakeze: Abi oh. If I don't put a disclaimer, someone will come & attack me and say my rules don't work. lol

Gbengasile: LOL. I cannot imagine being crazy about someone because he smokes like a chimney, but I can definitely imagine it happening. We gals can be weird! I know.

Tyrex said...

Hi Vera...excerpts now available

Princess Jumai said...

Lmao you should write a book for al those mistaken guys out there.. this is soo funny but true

femme said...

Gbam!

doug said...

lol...hilarious! I shall keep them in mind. Really do you write for a mag by any chance?

Seduction Club said...

yes oh, i second that chewing gum advice. people u have to quit it, its disgusting.

Yewande Atanda said...

u're funny gurl.

Emeka Amakeze said...

Vera abeg i come make i read new post and you no even dey house.

rethots said...

Experience...

Vera Ezimora said...

Tyrex: Okay. Thanks for the info.

Princess Jumai: I should, shouldn't I? I'm thinking about it.

Femme: LOL. One GBOSA for you.

Doug: I write for Kitu Kizuri magazine, but I hope to write for more. I'm still looking for my big break, love.

Seduction Club: It sure it. Really, really disgusting. I'm glad I'm not the only one who feels that way.

Yewande: LOL. I'm glad you found it funny.

Emeka: Sorry oh. Okay, I don dey house now.

Rethots: ...Is the best teacher.