Monday, December 22, 2008

Date Me Jeje, Date Me Tender

I have never, ever been on a date. For someone who can describe a perfect date even while in the middle of REM sleep, it is rather appalling that I have never, ever been on a date. I have ‘hung out’ with guys, and I have been ‘taken out’ by guys, but I have never, ever been on a date. I do not think I have ever had a man say to me, “Let me take you out on a date.” If a man has said that, then there is only one reason why I cannot remember it: going on a date with him would have been a waste of my time and his. Either that or he asked for a date as if he was doing me a favor. He might have said something like, “Don’t worry, I’ll take you out on a date.”

I have never, ever gone out on that date - that one where the dashing young man who is crazy about me just cannot wait to come and whisk me away from my house. We set our date for seven PM, but he shows up at six fifty-nine. He does not stay downstairs and blow his horn like a taxi cab. He does not call my cell phone and say, “I’m downstairs. Hurry up, I’m double-parked.” He comes to meet me upstairs with a surprise – not a bouquet of flowers. Flowers are wonderful, but they have become lazy gifts – the thoughtless things you give because you are too lazy to think of something thoughtful.

He comes instead with something different – like a pack of starburst candy. It can be gotten for ninety-nine cents at the gas station, and it is my favorite candy. Or maybe he comes with that little paper that is tucked inside a fortune cookie – the one that tells one’s alleged fortune. I love those too. Maybe he comes with something blue (like nail polish); blue is my favorite color. What about a funny Nigerian movie? The simplest things in life can sometimes bring the biggest joy.

So he comes upstairs looking suave. He is not wearing a pair of extra-tight jeans that is squeezing the life out of his crotch, and neither is he wearing a pair of jeans that looks like it is begging to reach the ground. He’s dressed in a semi-formal way. We do not have to have the regular date which is dinner and a movie. In fact, I would prefer that we do not have the regular date. We could catch a play instead. If the weather is warm and time permits, we could go ride those little bumper cars. We could go listen to some soulful poetry. And I bet no one ever thought of this, but we could go to church. What better foundation to lay than God? Recently, church has been one of the best places I have attended.

After the date, he will take me home and walk me back to my house. He will not lurk around and hope for a nightcap, and he will not guilt me into asking him to spend the night by asking to see my album and then beginning to yawn in the middle of it while saying, “Boy, I’m so tired. I hope I don’t have an accident on the road and die.” He will not attempt to steal a kiss; this action has not worked out well for his predecessors. Many have tried, and just as many have failed.

He will instead give me a hug – one that says I-had-a-nice-time-and-I-hope-we-can-do-this-again-soon. He will proceed to plant a warm kiss on each eye. Kisses on the cheeks are so ordinary; I would rather have my eyes kissed. He may, if he wishes, stare at me for an uncalculated amount of time until I blush and flash him a smile, revealing my vote of confidence in him. He will then smile too and scratch his head - the scratch that says this-babe-is-scattering-my-head. And then, he will leave.

He will call me on his way home to thank me for such a fantastic date. I would decline his thanks and say that he owes me no thanks. I will thank him instead. For a few minutes, we will argue over who should thank who. We will agree to disagree. I will get off the phone and let him concentrate on his driving. As soon as I get off the phone, I will smile from ear to ear – the kind of smile I will not be caught doing while taking a picture. He will call me when he gets home to tell me he has gotten home. We will talk till two or three or four in the morning about anything, everything, and nothing. We will say our goodnights; I will fall asleep with the phone on my chest and dream dreamy dreams of my date. That is the kind of date I am talking about. I have never, ever been on a date like that – or anything remotely close to it. But obviously, I have had plenty of time to imagine it.

These days, when men say they want to take you out on a date, they are already calculating how much you will have to pay them back in kind. I believe that taking a girl out on a date is not a necessity, nor is it a law. Whatever is worth doing, is worth doing well. If you must take her out on a date, do it right. What exactly is the point of taking a girl out and then asking her at the end of the date if she will come back to your place? Seriously, what the heck is that about? I find it rather insulting, and not to mention, amusing. But I cannot blame the men completely anyway. Some of us have been found to be flattered by such derogatory statements. That being said, I could not care less about anyone’s date right now. What I care about is mine – the one I have never been on.

Is it not a bit problematic that at my age, I have never been on a date? It is days like this one that make me wonder if my fears and preconceived notions are true: are there really no Nigerian or at least African men on E-Harmony dot com? That website has promised to match me on twenty-nine different dimensions of compatibility. That is a whole lot more than what I have been able to do for myself. And what about Match dot com? Dr. Phil has told me that it is okay to look there. So I have looked – but just at their home page. I am not quite ready to divulge into anything else yet. Chemistry dot com has vowed to find me a person who will make me go weak in the knees. Now, that is the kind of passion I want!

When I go on a date like the aforementioned one, I will have officially been on a date. But who will be brave enough to not only date me jeje, but also date me tender? That is the trillion-dollar question. This cannot be the conclusion of this story. I must come back and write about how I was jejely and tenderly dated. All I need to figure out now is the title of the upcoming write-up. Allow me, however, to end this one like a Nigerian movie: To God Be The Glory. Watch Out For Part II.

P. O. BOX 7893
Essex, MD 21221
United States of America



rayo said...

amen oh Vera, i hope u find him dear.

rayo said...

1st, yipee, its been a wyl since i was first anywhere.

rayo said...

and i'm second gan sef, and 3rd. beg me to not continue...

StandTall-The Activist said...

It's is easy, you are too hot not to be dated jejely and tenderly

To God be the Glory

Nigerican said...

Shoot, after all that i guess i've never been on a date either lol.Besides, y do u want to go on a date anyway,they r sooo overrated... imagine being stuck on a date with a guy that never runs into you with his bumper car cus he doesn't believe in vehicle violence... or worse, poetry releases his pschyo alter ego who enjoys debating with pastors during church sermons....ok, i'll stop, the truth is i'm mad cus i can't sleep.

i hope u get to go on your date real soon hun.

doug said...

Lol! I'm glad there are girls like you in the universe. I like the part about not wanting the guy to bore you with the regular corny stuff. Don't worry, the guy is coming...just make sure you don't do the lactose-intolerant farting thing when he does. I doubt that he'd want to kiss your eyes when his nose is being assaulted.

The Boob Sistas said...

I love your honesty girl. It'd def happen when you least expect it. Trust me.

Biggest hug. xoxo

NoLimit said...

I really hope you go on your date soon!!! I look forward to reading part2!...can’t wait

Anonymous said...

Aww darling, I havent been on a date either. We shall overcome o jare, we shall! I love love love your writeus by the way. They are so charming and truthful at the same time. Just love it.

s.chic said...

my dear, norrin do u jare...i went on that dream date...only this year too... very similar to what you mentioned...we were down ur end (downtown baltimore) had dinner on the water too...

Anyway, interesting enough, i picked the guy who made me dinner and a movie at home over that dream

Ms.O said...

Awww Vera!!! I want to go on a date too. A real date. I loved this post!

Laughter said...

Aww Vera, the right man will come when you are not expecting it and funny enough sometimes when they do it would blow your mind that you have someone that thinks and wants the same things you want. He is on the way o Nne.

Naughty Eyes said...

I, JonXavier "Naughty Eyes" do invite you, Vera on a date. I promise to arrive at 6:59 pm dressed semi-casually with a pack of Starburst candy, powdered Peak milk or Choco-milo depending on which is at hand. I shall not honk my horn because I do not have a car, neither can I drive. We shall walk instead to the restaurant and admire the moonlight as I try to conjure up dreamy poetry that will compare your beauty to the weak trails of moonlight seeping through the stark neon lights of the cityscape. The restaurant though will be a waste because we'll both be too fidgety to eat anything.
I shall take you to see a play and on the way back we shall hold hands as we stroll to the beach where we shall chase each other in the pounding surf with our shoes and the last traces of decorum flung away and forgotten...
When you get cold and tired we shall lie down in the sands where I shall tell you stories tracing my ancestral lineage as I cup your head in my arms and you shall tell me yours. Of course our great-great grandfathers will both be kings of their respective kingdoms!
And when it gets very late I shall finally take you back to your place where I will then kiss you on the forehead, thank you for giving me such a wonderful evening and walk away after you say goodnight and close the door. I shall hesitate a bit as I run the events of the night through my mind and finally conclude I screwed it all up somehow.
Later you shall call me to say Thank you and I'll call you back after that to say thank you too. We'll do this several times as we debate who did who the favour. We'll talk till early in the morning of nothing and everything.
I shall stay awake for a very long time thinking of all these and convinced that maybe you never want to see me again.
But nature shall eventually take its course and I shall drift off into slumber...
Only to wake up the next morning...
... and realize it was all a dream!

Q: How come there are so many HOT single females in blogville?

kuesooM said...

I hear u girl! Still waiting for that date 2!

Lyrically speaking said...

No date? starburst candy from the gas station,

Vera Ezimora said...

Rayo: LOL. You're mighty excited, I see. LOL. Abeg, no continue. Wait, why am I begging? Continue all you want. Blogville has unlimited space.

Standtall: Yes oh, to God be all the Glory. I'm too hot? Well, Amen to that too!!

Nigerican: LOL! Okay, that was funny. A man who refuses to bump into me with his bumper car? Hehehe. That would be defeat the purpose ey? lol. But that would be a funny picture sha.

Doug: LOL! You just had to bring up the lactose intolerance ehn? That was supposed to be a private conversation o! LOL. But it's all good; I'll try not to do that when I meet him. I wouldn't wanna assault his nose. But are you sure he's not gonna like it?

The Boob Sisters: Everyone keeps saying it will happen when I least expect it, so I'm waiting patiently for that moment.

No Limit: I'm looking forward to part two too. I would most certainly keep you all updated.

Temite: Yes, indeed, we shall overcome! We must ooo! Thanks darling for the beaurriful words of encouragement. I shall endeavor to continue to deliver. Pray 4 me.

S Chic: LOL. Totally understandable. When it comes down to it, it's not about the date, but about how the date made you feel. I.E. how the person you went on the date with made you feel. Needless to say, dinner and a movie @ home sounds like a perfect date to me long as he makes it special.

Ms O: Thanks, love. I wanna go on a date oo darling. You have no idea.

Laughter: Ah, I cannot wait for that day! A man who will think and want the same things I want? Totally awesome!!

Naughty Eyes: I,Vera do solemnly take you up on your offer. I shall appreciate everything you do for me, and I shall have fun. Then I shall go home and think to myself, 'that dude is crazy!' I shall call you back and threaten that you never ever show your royal self in my house again.

Walahi, if I catch you ehn??? LOL. See me rolling with laughing here... hehehehe. As for the single I no know oooo!

KuesooM: LOL. Ain't that something...? That date must come, yes?

Lyrically Speaking: Yeap! And Yeap again. lol.

Anonymous said...

Hmmm, are you asking me out on a date?

pinkyandbrain said...

Something Is Fundamentally Wrong With this Whole Dating Formular.What I Can Infere Without Any Prejudice Here Is That The Right Guy Is Taking The Wrong Girl On A Date And Vice Versa.Phew!Dr.Phil Help!! To God Be The Glory,My Own Part II Has Been Completed.

aloted said...

omo this your dream date nawa o...pls keep us posted

archiwiz said...

I also hope you get ur wish... And just wait on that Nigerian/African man on eharmony... you might just be pleasantly surprised.

good naija girl said...

What is the world coming to if even Vera Ezimora hasn't had this sort of date?

Me sef, I better give up on this waiting business!

(I won't sha)

It'll happen for you, Vera. It's just a matter of when...

princesa said...

Waiting to read Part 2.
It will surely happen. Believe.

Vera Ezimora said...

Rethots: Honey, was I that obvious?? And there I was trying to be subtle! LOL

Pinky And Brain: LOL. That's one way to look @ it.

Archiwiz: LOL! I no dey wait for any Naija/African man on E-Harmony. Lai lai. Seeing is believing. Until I hear of Nigerian/African couples that have hooked up thru E-Harmony, I shall not venture in2 it.

Good Naija Gal: LOL. Haha. I like how you added "I won't sha" in there. Hehe. Please don't give up coz I sure am not giving up. Why would I?? The possibilities are endless.

Princesa: I believe. I'm looking forward to writing Part II too.

aloted said... i no deserve response abi...???

Vera Ezimora said...

Aloted: My love, I'm so sorry oooo. LOL. I dunno how I skipped over your comment.

Okay, here's your much-deserved response:

Yeah, babe, na real wa! I will certainly keep you posted in Part II. I don't know what I will call that note yet, but I will figure it out once I get my date.

Have I been forgiven now? Please say yes.

aloted said...

lol..dont mind me..was feeling a little neglected..;o)

yes i forgive u dearie,,,and to prove it I will ask God specially to send that date sharpsharp :)

deola said...

Have i ever dated bef...?

Vera Ezimora said...

Aloted: Thank you, my darling. That's why I like you. Pray very well ooo! Tell God 2 make it asap, please.

Deola: Oya answer your own question.

Emeka Amakeze said...

Dating is beyond being prescriptive nowadays and each person attends to it as their orientation inclines. There are many guys who can make my lovely Vera weak in the knees but would not do dating her way cos they wouldn't want to be seen as mumu if they didn't take the girls the extra mile. Its vice versa though. Hope Vera finds what she's looking for.

Writefreak said... had me and hubby cracking your sense of humour!
I am confident the right man will come along for you, that must sound like a broken record though! lol
I am looking forward to part 2 unlike in Nigerian home

Happy new year in advance

Vera Ezimora said...

Emeka: I hope Vera finds what she's looking for too. I'm looking forward to that. In fact, I know that Vera will find what she wants. Sooo make sure you clear your calendar for my wedding date, lol.

Writefreak: Happy New Year to you too, love. Well, I don't wanna say that it sounds like a broken record, but it is certainly easier for the person saying it than it is for the person hearing it.


Amin oh! Nice one aunty Vera.

Happy New Year, my sista!

Vera Ezimora said...

Solomon Sydelle: Abi ooo. Thanks, love. Happy New Year to you too, darling.

Writefreak said...

Love your blog Vera, now i have you on my blog got me hooked now...!so i will know when you update..

I know it's easier to say the right man will come along than to hear it, yeah i know, like it's easier to say don't worry the baby will come than to hear i will keep you in my prayers for your true love this year...yes o!

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Geebee said...

hmmm, date me jeje seems like the deal for you ladies now. Unfortunately, more guys want to spend their cash 'jeje' too these days. Seriously now, dates should be well handled on both sides especially because that is the very first step in a relationship. A crazy date ends the relationship even before it starts. Guys shouldn't be too 'tight fisted' and ladies shouldn't be too 'greedy.' Preferably, both sides could evn share the bill (I wouldn't mind that at least). We've not seen you this year oh. Hope nothing?

THe AFriCan pOet said...

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Vera Ezimora said...

Writefreak: Thank you darling. Please do keep me in your prayers. Heaven knows I need all the prayers I can get, and there can never be too many of them.

Salem: Thanks. Will check it out.

Woomie: You tagged me?? Oh boy. Alright. I'll go check it out.

GeeBee: Tufia kwa! Both of them should share the bill ke? God forbid. Listen, if you wanna share the bill, go out with your boys. You cannot go to a girl that is jejely sitting on her own, ask her out on a date, and then tell her to foot half of the bill. What rubbish. And by the way, the perfect date is not even about money. Money doesn't have to be spent. It could be a walk in the park for all I care. The most important thing is that it's perfect.

The African Poet: Thanks. Will check it out.

theicequeen said...

sebi i'm free to make flyers and obnoxiously paste errywhere i damn well please? (especially within the radius of promising males) kwa dey find who will date me jeje, date me tender *sigh*

it's been a min. Happy New Year!!!..oh and happy belated birthday..i was going to fb you, i swear!! have no idea how..why..what...biko forgive me :P

Anonymous said...

as a 27 yr old Nigerian woman who has also never been on a date, I can relate.

I am sure someday your prince will I await mine...

not settling for less.

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