Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Every Woman - Chapter 1 (working progress)

The Chapter Has Been Completed. Click HERE To Read It

...And Don't Forget To Stop By For Chapter Two

Thanks Y'll!!!

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

Love And Be Loved

Dedicated to all who fit the bill.

Love is the most complex emotion I have ever experienced. It has so many sides and shades that sometimes I wonder if it is still love. How can you love a person one minute and want to kill them the next? How can you love a person and yet hurt the person so much? You know it will kill him when he finds out, but you do it anyway. You know he is hurting inside, but it does not stop you from lying in the other man’s bed. Love. Is it really that complex, or do we just make it that way?

I am particularly concerned about women who do not know how to love themselves. If a woman does not know how to love herself inside and out, then how can she love another? If a woman cannot treat herself like the queen that she is, then how can she make a man treat her like one? How can you convince people that the building is on fire if you are calmly lying under your blanket? The world we live in is a monkey-see-monkey-do world; it is a world where leaders lead by showing examples. No one can love you better than you can love yourself, so if your love for yourself is fifty percent, then how can you expect a man to love you one hundred percent?

I get very sad (more like enraged) when I see a woman in a relationship where she is giving her all to a man and getting almost nothing back in return. I mean, seriously, let us get real here; ask yourself these questions: why can’t he call? Why can’t he say I’m sorry? Why can’t he explain his actions? Why can’t he do it for me? Why can’t he accept my apology? Why can’t he understand where I am coming from? Why can’t he do it my way for once? Why can’t he be sweet to me? Why can’t he stop being malicious to me? Why can’t he remember my birthday? Why can’t he get me a birthday gift? Why can’t he spoil me? Why can’t he treat me the way I treat him? Why can’t he stop hurting me? Why can’t he love me back? Why??? My guess is that you cannot answer any of these questions rationally. Now ask yourself again – why can’t I stop loving him? Ladies, love with your heart and think with your head.

We, women have the tendency to do imprudent things. We know our man is treating us like last month’s Chinese food, but instead of facing our problems head-on, we make excuses for our man’s absurd behavior(s). As women, we want to be cared for; we want to be treated like queens, we want to be held, and we most definitely want to be loved. If a man is causing you to cry on occasions that any sane person would not be crying, then you should know something is wrong. If you have to call your man’s phone on his birthday and cry your eyes out on his voicemail because he is too angry at you to pick up, then something is wrong. If you have to beg your man to pick up your calls and talk to you, then something is wrong. If you cry more than you laugh, then something is wrong, and if you are ready to be with your man regardless of what he may do to you, then something is definitely wrong with you. I do not know what is wrong with you; is it low self esteem or just unadulterated lack of common sense?

Believe me, love is not that complicated. Relationships are not easy, but they are really not that hard either. When two people have understanding, patience, trust, and a big dose of maturity, love can not only be born, but can also be nurtured (by both partners, and for both partners) to reach its fullest potential. Forget about love at first sight; it does not exist. Your mind is only playing tricks on you. Yes, you may have dreamt about him last night, and the love you made felt so real (in fact, you are still dripping), but that was only because you thought about him before you went to bed. Wake up and smell the coffee (or tea – which ever one you prefer).

Seriously, why are you still in this relationship? Is it the sex (if sex is involved)? Is it the companionship? Is it the feeling of knowing that someone somewhere has you as number two on their speed dial (that’s if he cares enough to put you on his speed dial)? Is it the fear of being lonely? Is it the convenience? Money? Or do you just think you will never find someone else to want you enough to commit to you? What is it? Better yet, why is he still in this relationship? Could it be because of the convenience and all the ‘privileges’ that come with said convenience? I mean, if you break up with him, who will cook for him? Who will do his laundry? Who will warm up his bed? Who will run his little errands? Who will buy him gifts on his birthday? Who will cry on his voicemail? Who will beg for his attention? Who?

If you think this through with your head, and your head tells you that you are in a good relationship, then your head must not be properly hydrated. Some of you are living in denial (yes, I’m talking to you; stop pointing at your chest in confusion and looking around); you tell yourself that the only reason why you are putting up with his bullshit is because you are not married yet, but as soon as you get married, things will change. Yeah, right! As a poor man (unmarried), you should not take anything right now that you will not take when you become rich (married). Your desire for meat should not lead you to call a cow your brother. Be honest with yourself; put yourself first, and love yourself because ‘you are fearfully and wonderfully made’ (Psalm 139:14).

What – are you surprised I quoted the Bible? Don’t be ooooo. I happen to be God’s favorite; you better ask about me!

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

If You Must, Do It The Right Way

Cheating on your partner is a bad, bad thing, which I would never condone (no matter how many times I have been involved in it; not that I’m saying I have been involved in it), but in the name of high-quality thinking-faculties and properly hydrated brains, if you must cheat, please do it the right way!

I notice that a lot of men have a popular line they use when they have been caught with their hands in the cookie jar; I’m sure you’ve heard it too. They say “Baby, it’s not what you think; I can explain. I know what it looks like, but it’s not anything like what you’re thinking”. Oh, you know, huh? Well, go ahead and explain then. Just because I have caught you butt-naked on top of a woman whom you’re joined at the waist with does not mean there is no logical explanation. It’s not like sex is the only thing you could be having with her. I’m pretty sure there are a million other things you could have been doing. Besides, these satin sheets on the bed make it mighty slippery; I’m sure you merely lost your balance. No broken bones, I hope.

It is a universal fact that when it comes to cheating and being devious, women do a better job. You know why? Because we are just plain smarter; we think ten steps ahead of our men. Men, on the other hand seem to think twenty steps behind their partners. I mean, if you are going to lie about going to the grocery store when you’re really going to your mistress’s house, the least you could do is come back with a carton of milk! Contrary to the popular belief of the men, no one believes you when you say the store was out of milk and you had to drive through the city for three hours looking for milk….especially when there is no need for the milk since there is a huge unopened gallon sitting in the fridge.

If you must lie about having a flat tire, then be smart enough to have a little dirt on your hands and shirt. Wouldn’t you agree with me that it looks a little suspicious when you come in smelling like Zest? And it doesn’t help to see that your spare tire is tucked away neatly either.

If you are the type who wipes his face with a handkerchief often, then just make sure you that what you actually have in your pocket is a handkerchief and not your mistress’s red, lace thong. I doubt your wife will believe you when you say, “Oh look, how did that get there?” I mean, come the hell on! And claiming that the thong belongs to your wife when it is clearly obvious that not enough Crisco would make her thighs pass through it is a redundant scheme that is bound to fail. For that matter, the earrings in your car cannot belong to your wife if her ears are not pierced!

Let me tell you a little secret; forget what Shaggy sang about…telling your wife it wasn’t you does not work either. I’m sure that by now she does not need a torch to figure out who her husband is under the bright light of the sun. You may think that French-kissing your mistress (and claiming she’s actually your secretary) is a good way of saying farewell to your alleged secretary, but trust me, it does not work. First of all, French-kissing should not be done with anyone but your wife, and second of all, you have to have a job before you have a secretary.

You may be surprised, but telling your wife that the used latex condom in your car was used by two of you, but that the sex was so good that she is currently suffering from temporary amnesia of said event does not work either…especially if she is allergic to latex and is on Depo Provera. It definitely does not make it better if she was out of the country at the time the supposed amnesia-causing sex happened.

When your wife finds the receipt of the dozen red roses you bought last weekend, it really does not make your case better when you claim you bought it for your best friend, Mike. Neither does it help when you say you bought them for her (your wife) but the wind must have flown them out of your open window on your way home and you completely forgot about it…especially if it was five degrees outside.

Whoever told you that the line “Forgive me, for I knew not what I was doing” works on human beings (especially women) lied to you. Claiming not to know who you were having sex with is arrant nonsense. Saying you were so dehydrated on your way back from work that you stopped at a random house to drink some water (and much more) does not work either.

If a man catches you butt-naked in bed with his wife, it will be in your best interest to put your clothes on as fast as possible and run like the wind. Or you could play dumb and tell the man that you were being raped by his wife since she was on top. Yeah, your moans might have been heard from across the country, but I’m sure they were only moans…or rather, groans of pain, right?

It goes without saying that you should not bring your mistress into your matrimonial home. In fact, you should not have a mistress in the first place, but if you find yourself caught up between a rock and a hard place and having to hide your mistress under your matrimonial bed, you should at least do it the right way. If God decides to have some fun and tell on you by compelling your mistress to sneeze loudly in her hiding place, don’t even think of telling your wife that your enemies are after you again. Sure you might have enemies, and they might be after you, but why must they do it in the fashion of a naked woman lying under your bed and sneezing frenziedly? If only your wife had vacuumed under the bed, there would not have been so much dust!

I do not know if I should be proud to say this, but I know for sure that women do a much better job when it comes to hiding their dirty laundry. Why do you think that unfaithful men are the quickest and most confident to speak about how faithful their wives are? Yeah right! Give me a break. Of course, if he decides to come home early from work one day, he will find out that the handy man has been fixing more than the sink. And if he even takes a closer look at Junior, he would notice the striking resemblance between him (Junior) and the handy man. But he will never find out because on the days he gets off work early, he is too busy bonin’ his mistress. Alas, the player gets played.

In essence, I could sit here and type away till Kingdom come, but it is up to you to be smart enough to cover your tracks. If you are weak enough to cheat on your spouse, then you should try to make up by being smart enough to cover your tracks. You might think that quickly tucking your penis into your pants with the condom is a way of covering up, but somehow I doubt your wife will feel the same way; especially if your partner in crime (your mistress) is still spread-eagled underneath you.

If you must do it, then respect the professional cheats and do it right!

Copyright © 2006 Vera Ezimora

Saturday, April 29, 2006

When The Pendulum Swings

I would like to take all the credit for this piece, but truth be told, I had some help. Though I had been thinking about this piece, it was not until Dammy Odetola of Michigan came up with the title that I started giving it some serious thought.

As usual, I’m concentrating on Nigerians because I am one, and they are really the ones I know. We as women are quick to talk about all the bad and wrong things men do; especially Nigerian men. Nigerian men are not romantic, Nigerian men are not sensitive, Nigerian men are flirts and cheats, Nigerian men are heart breakers and liars….blah blah blah. Yes, they are all these things (and even much more), but ladies, we have to give it to them, it’s not easy dealing with us. With our hormones constantly going on roller coasters, it’s not easy keeping up with us.

We are as uncomplicated as a two legged table (and you know a two legged table is damn near impossible); just when you think you have gotten it stabilized, it topples and falls. Are Nigerian men unromantic? Well, it depends on whose eyes are looking at it. A typical Nigerian man’s idea of romance will be taking his woman out to the store (not a grocery store, please) and spending a lot of money on her. An American man however will write his woman love poems (that do not include her being the only sugar in his tea or cockroach in his cupboard), buy her flowers, and take her out for romantic dinners, so you see, it all depends.

We as Nigerian women tend to forget the culture differences between us and the American women. Expecting a Nigerian man to be as romantic as the American man is as redundant as a Nigerian man expecting us to be as “sexually open” as the American woman; it’s possible on both sides, but what are the odds? I’m not saying that there are no Nigerian men who are very romantic, or Nigerian women who are sexually uninhibited. We as Nigerian women tend to read in between the lines of what our Nigerian men say; the problem is that sometimes, there aren’t even any lines.

We endlessly complain of how Nigerian men cannot keep their ding-a-lings in their pants, but we are no saints either. We always want to keep committed relationships, or rather be in a relationship with someone who is completely committed to us even though our eyes are constantly outside looking for greener pastures. We feel like “yeah, he’s a great guy, but…I really want to keep my options open; I don’t want to get stuck with the wrong guy.”

But speaking of looking for greener pastures, I am beginning to agree with men that we (women) really do not know what we want. I mean, when you ask a woman what type of man she wants, you would be surprised at the speed that the words would roll off her tongue. But what will actually happen when this ideal man shows up in our life? I’ll tell you what will happen. Most of us will be excited for the first few months about the little things he will do like call us every morning to say ‘good morning, love’, or buy us flowers, but as soon as he stops, we get angry that he has changed. We will talk with our girlfriends and come to the conclusion that all men suck, and they are all the same.

The problem is that another guy would come by and buy us flowers, then without thinking, we would say “this one is different”. Like hell, he is! If every man is the same, why do we always think the next one will be different? If truly we know what we want in a man, then why can’t we recognize it when it comes in a man? Why do we always get excited over the most insignificant things, and leave the more important things yearning for our attention? Why do we always chase after that which is not after us in any shape or form? Why do we want a man to be in love with us and yet complain about him being ‘too in love’ with us? Why do we always leave one guy for the other? What makes us think that the angel we do not know is better than the devil we know?

I met a girl who has a boyfriend that any other woman would be dying to have. He buys her flowers and whisks her away to romantic settings (and yes, he is Nigerian). She went on a four-day trip with her friend and got mad that her single friend was getting all the attention. Well, duh! She was single, was she not? Anyway, she is now drooling over a man who cannot give her even a quarter of what her boyfriend is giving her. I simply do not understand this. What the hell is wrong with us? Do we say what we want but mean the exact opposite?

I know a girl who had a boyfriend that loved her from here to there. He would do just about anything to make her feel better. She said she wanted to be married by 2008, and her boyfriend was more than happy at the news. But how do I begin to explain to you that she temporarily fell out of love with him, and fell in love with someone who already had a girlfriend and said he will not be getting married till at least 2014? She fell for someone who had absolutely nothing but bullshit to offer her. Do we have veils of stupidity hovering over our heads that make us unable to reason rationally? Needless to say, her veil of stupidity has fallen off, and she has come back to her good senses. Can I get an Amen?

I'm not trying to make excuses for indecent behavior(s) on the part of our men, but sometimes I wonder if our men cheat because they want to or because we expect them too. We obsess so much over our men cheating that we do not have the time to celebrate their fidelity. Calling every woman that talks to our man a whore or a bitch will not stop him from cheating if he so desires; the only thing the name calling will do is expose our insecurity. Endlessly slandering an ex-boyfriend/lover/husband and comparing his ill-mannered attitude to every other man (especially our current man) is the best way to say “I’ve got some serious baggage”, and trust me honey, there is nothing attractive about that. Unfortunately, confidence is not a genetic factor; it’s something we learn as we grow, so I suggest you better learn quickly and pass it on to your children.

When the pendulum swings, we realize that the problems we have in relationships do not all rest on the shoulders of the men (even though we may want to believe they do). We are also huge contributors to the trouble, and sadly, we are also benefactors of the disastrous end result(s). It will be in the best interest of everyone involved if we realize what we want and actually mean it; or else, each of us would become “the bride that wasn’t”. A fifty year old man can still find a woman to marry, but a fifty year old woman is considered “shagged out”, and unfortunately, simply considered to be expired. Hey, don’t blame me; I did not make the rules. I’m simply ‘shagging’ them.

Copyright © 2006 Vera Ezimora

Sunday, March 05, 2006

All Hail The Inter-Galactic Force Of Girlfriends

Yeah, I know what everyone is thinking, “It’s Vera again”. Well, yes indeed, it is me again. A lot of things have happened to me lately, and they have really opened up my eyes a lot. They have really taught me that in reality, not all that glitters is gold. In fact, majority of what glitters is only gold plated, so after only a little wear, they begin to show their true colors.

I notice that we (females) do not spend enough time appreciating our girlfriends. We may talk about our family and lovers… especially lovers, but we do not give enough credit to our girlfriends, and that’s either because our friends are not worth being mentioned, or because we are just too blind or maybe ungrateful to realize the influence of our friends in our lives. In my case, I know what my friends mean to me, so I am here to hail them because they are worth it.

It sounds like such a cliché, but good girlfriends are those ones that are there through thick and thin. They are the friends that will tell you the truth no matter how much it may hurt to hear it. They are the ones that will not stand and watch someone walk all over you; your pain is your girlfriends’ pain. Boyfriends (and unfortunately, husbands sometimes too) may come and go, jobs come and go, money comes and goes, but good girlfriends stay. Good girlfriends are hard to find and even harder to keep, unlike bad friends who are easier to acquire and even easier to discard.

I have been Blessed enough to have real girlfriends, so now, I have my very own inter-galactic force of girlfriends. Please, allow me to tell you a little about them.

Sola: Born Oluwabusola Osun, is my best friend; we have been friends since 2000 (unfortunately), and she is from Ondo State. Even after five (almost six) years of friendship, I am proud to say that we still have great chemistry. The other night, we talked on the phone until the wee hours of the morning. We talked about absolutely nothing. We had that type of conversation that at the end when you look at how much times has gone by, you ask yourself “what the hell did we talk about?”. Apart from that though, she is someone that I can give the shirt on my back to (as long as she gives me something to cover up my front, of course). She’s a trouble maker who will gladly and readily torture her enemies or anyone she feels has not been fair to any of her friends. Can it really get better? I must say however that though she may have a sharp mouth, she really does not have the physical strength to back it up (but that’s a secret anyway). I cannot go without mentioning that Sola is a hopeless romantic. She fantasizes so much (of impossible things) that I often call her Theresa Lopez Fitzgerald (of Passions, the NBC daytime soap opera). More times than I care to remember, I find myself telling her to “shut the hell up!”

Funmi: Born Oluwafunmilayo Aladeseyi, is from Ondo State; we have been friends since 2002, and she is one in a million. She’s one of those friends that you hear of or dream of, but actually never meet (just like a romantic Nigerian man). Funmi is one of those friends that you can rely on to be there for you when you need her. She will be there for you come hell or high water; she might be extremely late, but she will be there. However, her inability to say “no” is sometimes viewed as not having a backbone. She is a wonderful cook nonetheless…. *hint hint* for the fine single, eligible Nigerian men out there (although we have been trying to get her to cook a little less often, as people are beginning to see her good gestures as an obligation of hers, rather than her sheer choice and good heart at work, but anyways…). I cannot go without mentioning how supportive Funmi has been of my writing; she is always asking me how far I have gone with my book, and she is always on my neck about finishing it. Her enthusiasm for my book has been very encouraging. Thanks Funmi!

Uju: Born Obianuju Nnameka, is from Anambra State; I met her in 2003, and she is definitely one of a kind. When I first met her, I did not like her because I thought she had a stand-offish kind of attitude. Funmi was actually the link between us; she was Funmi’s friend and I was Funmi’s friend too. Today however, she is a proud partner of the inter-galactic force of girlfriends…. loyal girlfriends, to be more precise. We have always known Uju as the “big mouth” of us, but truth be told, her big mouth is a Blessing to us all because a lot of times, she says things that we are thinking but too spineless or maybe nice to say so (just like Madea from Tyler Perry’s Madea‘s Family Reunion. Speaking of Tyler Perry, is the man good or what? The fact that he is six and half feet tall is a plus, of course, but anyways…). Her big mouth is just honesty and straight forwardness in a new dimension. Uju is not the type that will sugar coat anything for anyone. You know how they say “if you can’t handle the heat, don’t enter the kitchen” right? Well, the same goes for Uju. If you cannot handle the truth, then do not ask her cause she always tells the hardcore truth…most times.

Toha: Born Anyatoha Kamanu, is such a very, very sweet girl. I do not know how else to describe her. Toha has something very unique about her, and that’s her laugh; it is heard from miles away (and I am not exaggerating). When I enter a building, and I’m trying to spot Toha, all I have to do is listen for her laugh, and I will find her. She is from Abia State, and I met her in 2002. She is the perfect combination of beauty and the brains, so you do not have to decide which one you want because she is both. Yes indeed, she is. She is the type of friend that will always lend a helping hand, and always be in support. There is something else about Toha that I have to talk about, and that is her humility. She is so humble and very down to earth; you should hear her thanking you. She thanks you even when she does something for you...hmm, never seen anything like it before (but after meeting her mom, I can understand where she gets her humility from).

Jennifer: Born Jennifer McNair, is another sweet friend I met in 2002 too. She will always tell you the blunt truth, just like Uju, but the only difference is that Jennifer would at least prepare you for it. Her mother is from Ogun State, and her father is African American, though Jennifer considers herself Nigerian. Make no mistake, she is indeed very Nigerian. Talking to her alone is enough for you to know just how special she is, but unfortunately for you (guys), she is not single. Some lucky guy has snatched her away, and is not ever going to let her go. A few months ago, Jennifer blew my mind away when she offered me something I did not expect her to; I have to say I fell in love with her. She is just too much. She is a friend I will not be letting go either.

Ibukun: Ibukunoluwa Odetoye, is from Kwara State, and I met her in 2002. She is the black sheep among us, or so to say (and I do not mean that in a bad way). Her thinking patterns are different from the rest of us, but she is still a girlfriend. One thing I have noticed about Ibukun over the period I have known her is her generosity. She is always giving and giving; well, at least she is always giving to me. Sometimes she takes us all out to lunch, even when she does not have a job. Ibukun truly is a very sweet girl, and just like the rest of the girlfriends, she will be there for you when you need her (like when she takes a twenty-minute drive to my house to fix my computer. Of course, I could have taken my computer to her house, but it is kind of hard carrying a desktop computer around).

Now that I have told you all about my friends, I hope you do not take it as a cue to stalk them, but in case you decide to, I would like to state a disclaimer that I am not responsible for the actions of anyone (to my friends) due to this article. With that being said, tell me, do you not think that I am wonderfully Blessed? I have so many other things I could have written about (like err, I don‘t know….men?), but I can always do that later. For now, I would rather talk about the people that put a smile on my face everyday.

For a lot of us (Nigerian females), we do not have that relationship with our mothers where we can say, “Mom, you would not believe what [boyfriend’s name] did”. Like I said, a lot of us do not have that relationship; I’m not saying all of us do not have the relationship. Who then do you call when you need some relationship advise, or when you need someone to calm you down (verbally) and stop you form committing murder in the first degree? That’s right, your girlfriends.

Sometimes, you just need someone to say “yes, you’re right; he’s wrong”, so who do you call then? That’s right, your girlfriends again. Of course they will say you are right, and of course they will not care what he did or why he did it; as long as you think you are right, they will always have your back. Who do you call when your boss gives you a tough time at work? Your girlfriends again. Who do you call when your car breaks down on I-95 and you’re panicking because you’ve got that all-important interview that your livelihood depends on? You got that right, your girlfriends! (right after you call a mechanic, of course).

To my friends: I hope your eyes do not get misty when you are reading this (especially Funmie and Sola). Without a doubt, you’re all a Blessing to me, and I hope that some day, you’ll meet the Adam whose rib you have in you (more details about that in an upcoming article).

So my wonderful ladies and gentlemen, would you please all stand and hail the inter-galactic force of girlfriends. They deserve a standing ovation…don’t you think?

Thursday, January 26, 2006


I’m at that point where I don’t know what’s going on
I’m at that point where I’m withdrawn
I’m at that point where everything is a blur
I’m at that point where I just concur
I’m at that point where I just don’t give a damn
I’m holding my breath for so long, I’ll fail a breathing exam.
I’m crying but I have no tears flowing
With each passing day, my perplexity seems to be growing
I’m screaming but no sound is coming out
I don’t know what all this tension is all about
It’s day and my eyes are wide open but all I see is night
Wait a minute, how come it’s so bright?
Why are the people around me making so much noise?
I can’t see them but I can hear all their noise.
The blue sky is suddenly under my feet
But for some reason it feels as hard as concrete
Those silly kids just broke the sun with their ball
I don’t understand why that book is climbing the wall
Why are there so many moons and only one star?
Why is that squirrel smoking a cigar?
There is a ship traveling on land
Apparently, snakes can now stand
What is up with that pig flying?
If only I knew why the wind is sighing.
Where the hell did my house go to now?
That lion needs to quit trying to milk the cow
I’m awake, but I need to wake up again
And I need to quit picking the lint off my brain

…I’m in limbo