Tuesday, September 19, 2006

Love And Be Loved

Dedicated to all who fit the bill.

Love is the most complex emotion I have ever experienced. It has so many sides and shades that sometimes I wonder if it is still love. How can you love a person one minute and want to kill them the next? How can you love a person and yet hurt the person so much? You know it will kill him when he finds out, but you do it anyway. You know he is hurting inside, but it does not stop you from lying in the other man’s bed. Love. Is it really that complex, or do we just make it that way?

I am particularly concerned about women who do not know how to love themselves. If a woman does not know how to love herself inside and out, then how can she love another? If a woman cannot treat herself like the queen that she is, then how can she make a man treat her like one? How can you convince people that the building is on fire if you are calmly lying under your blanket? The world we live in is a monkey-see-monkey-do world; it is a world where leaders lead by showing examples. No one can love you better than you can love yourself, so if your love for yourself is fifty percent, then how can you expect a man to love you one hundred percent?

I get very sad (more like enraged) when I see a woman in a relationship where she is giving her all to a man and getting almost nothing back in return. I mean, seriously, let us get real here; ask yourself these questions: why can’t he call? Why can’t he say I’m sorry? Why can’t he explain his actions? Why can’t he do it for me? Why can’t he accept my apology? Why can’t he understand where I am coming from? Why can’t he do it my way for once? Why can’t he be sweet to me? Why can’t he stop being malicious to me? Why can’t he remember my birthday? Why can’t he get me a birthday gift? Why can’t he spoil me? Why can’t he treat me the way I treat him? Why can’t he stop hurting me? Why can’t he love me back? Why??? My guess is that you cannot answer any of these questions rationally. Now ask yourself again – why can’t I stop loving him? Ladies, love with your heart and think with your head.

We, women have the tendency to do imprudent things. We know our man is treating us like last month’s Chinese food, but instead of facing our problems head-on, we make excuses for our man’s absurd behavior(s). As women, we want to be cared for; we want to be treated like queens, we want to be held, and we most definitely want to be loved. If a man is causing you to cry on occasions that any sane person would not be crying, then you should know something is wrong. If you have to call your man’s phone on his birthday and cry your eyes out on his voicemail because he is too angry at you to pick up, then something is wrong. If you have to beg your man to pick up your calls and talk to you, then something is wrong. If you cry more than you laugh, then something is wrong, and if you are ready to be with your man regardless of what he may do to you, then something is definitely wrong with you. I do not know what is wrong with you; is it low self esteem or just unadulterated lack of common sense?

Believe me, love is not that complicated. Relationships are not easy, but they are really not that hard either. When two people have understanding, patience, trust, and a big dose of maturity, love can not only be born, but can also be nurtured (by both partners, and for both partners) to reach its fullest potential. Forget about love at first sight; it does not exist. Your mind is only playing tricks on you. Yes, you may have dreamt about him last night, and the love you made felt so real (in fact, you are still dripping), but that was only because you thought about him before you went to bed. Wake up and smell the coffee (or tea – which ever one you prefer).

Seriously, why are you still in this relationship? Is it the sex (if sex is involved)? Is it the companionship? Is it the feeling of knowing that someone somewhere has you as number two on their speed dial (that’s if he cares enough to put you on his speed dial)? Is it the fear of being lonely? Is it the convenience? Money? Or do you just think you will never find someone else to want you enough to commit to you? What is it? Better yet, why is he still in this relationship? Could it be because of the convenience and all the ‘privileges’ that come with said convenience? I mean, if you break up with him, who will cook for him? Who will do his laundry? Who will warm up his bed? Who will run his little errands? Who will buy him gifts on his birthday? Who will cry on his voicemail? Who will beg for his attention? Who?

If you think this through with your head, and your head tells you that you are in a good relationship, then your head must not be properly hydrated. Some of you are living in denial (yes, I’m talking to you; stop pointing at your chest in confusion and looking around); you tell yourself that the only reason why you are putting up with his bullshit is because you are not married yet, but as soon as you get married, things will change. Yeah, right! As a poor man (unmarried), you should not take anything right now that you will not take when you become rich (married). Your desire for meat should not lead you to call a cow your brother. Be honest with yourself; put yourself first, and love yourself because ‘you are fearfully and wonderfully made’ (Psalm 139:14).

What – are you surprised I quoted the Bible? Don’t be ooooo. I happen to be God’s favorite; you better ask about me!


LondonBuki said...

WOW... I'm going to put a link to this on Today's post if you don't mind...

Well Written!

DiAmOnD hawk said...

when you start asking those Why questions...I think you should be asking WHY AM I STILL HERE? and bounce

i do think relationships could be hard and complicated because it involves your emotions which can be complex and it also involves playing a balancing game...sometimes it's tilted one way, other times it's skewed to the other side...and there are times where the scales may be balanced...but trying to keep track of it all...that's the work

and i most definitely do not subscribe to that changing after marriage business. it's amazing the ppl that still think that way...they may not voice it but they think it...

and you know what? I spoil myself. I handle my own! I want a man to understand that Im not with you to complete me...only to complement

check out my relationship blog. it's still a work in progress.:-)


great post!

Anonymous said...

Oh whao.. I saw this link on
London Buki's page and I can see why... very insightful and thought out.

A lot of women just have a fear of being alone, cos our society teaches us that no matter how successful as women, we are only complete if we have a man. I totally agree... if you're in a relationship where you're giving more than you get, chances are you're not in a good relationship.

After reading your post, I've reconfirmed that me and the boyfriend have something great going on; I think being together with someone should be 'easy' not thought out, no games, no pretence... just honestly enjoying each other and everything just flows from there.

Really like your blog… I’ll definitely be checking back.

Have a great weekend.

sango said...

love is like a car note it takes too much out of ur account but then u get to ride arround in a car instead of a bus....dont get it twisted sista some chics (some i know neways) can be the one doing the taking and not giving nothing back in return...but the thing is it can neva be a 50, 50 thing someone is always gonna love someone more than the other does but what percentage is acceptable and which is a NO GO???

Anonymous said...

This is some universal truth right here. I had to laugh at a number of things. It's sad, but true.

Anonymous said...

aprt from the fact that u quoted the bible are do u understand yoruba cuz u just gave a nice popular yoruba saying --- and the end of the write up ! beautiful as usual i really want to meet you !

Anonymous said...

i dont know how to start but this is just the reality i like to be seeing amidst our sistas out there.this blog is so full of nothing but the truth and facing the reality and if we all sistas try not even try but go by this law,there wont be heart breaks but most of all ending on marrying the wrong person and being used by our men or sistas ENDURING their marriages afterall.I agree wth some1 who says,'cos our society teaches us that no matter how successful as women, we are only complete if we have a man',dats so true and we fear of who will then marry me or wat if i dont see some to marry me,i will say something i'm also guilty of this(i have a boyfriend of 7yrs,and for 5yrs now we've been separated not breaking off the relationship but apart,he's in naija and me in italy....but to cut the short story shorter,1 think i'm making mistakes ,i always think will any1 love me like he does or will i love any1 like he does and so on but i will tell u guys it hasnt been a hell of ease,loving him has been so demanding,dont know wat word to qualify it,though he has wat he's facing 2 but anytime i tried to pull out not becos things dont go well btw us infact i believe love truly exist btw us but bcos of the distance and stuff i always feel this way to pull out),hope 1 day i will try to understand this post very well and practise wat i preach,REALITY,facing it and i pray all sistas out there will be delivered too bcos lots of 'US'are out there and it's sooooooooooo painfullllllllllll to think of it why,bcos we use the heart more than we use our heads,thanks.

I really love ur write ups(mostly love and be loved,when i became a woman;these i have read but the rest i'm yet to read),U are so straight to the point and just why i love u instantly and ur writeups.have a passion for writing 2 but i hope 1 day i will be able to put myself 2gether or come out of my new self back to my old self to to my truest passion,writing,WELL DONE,KEEP IT UP!!!

Eyitemi Egwuenu said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Eyitemi Egwuenu said...

Love is a mystery of sorts - it can dissolve heartaches and it can also create heartaches. It can leave someone feeling that they are sailing the clouds or standing in a sea of teardrops.

I guess that love leaves a hint of the bitter in the sweet and vice versa - after all the sweetest songs are usually those that tell of the saddest thoughts.

Human relationships tend to be complicated because at any point in time every individual is actually a composite of three "persons":

1. who we think we are
2. who the other person thinks we are
3. who we really are

So, you can see how a conversation between two people is actually a conversation between six "personalities". Quite a Babel isn't it.

But human relationship will significantly improve when we make "who we really are" and "who we think we are" one and the same thing.

That I believe, is the path to self-actualization