Sunday, August 03, 2008

Poles Apart

Have you ever had a phone conversation with a man you have never met, but whose voice you find irresistible? Even when he says a word as simple as “Hmm,” (which technically isn’t even a word), you simply cannot get enough of it. Everything about his voice is fascinating. You cannot quite place your finger on it, but you know that you do not mind hearing his voice right before you sleep and hearing it again as soon as you wake up. His voice is just … just so entrancing. Have you ever had a man with that kind of voice talk to you? I have.

Is it not simply amazing when you see a man who is as fine as fine could ever get? White dentures, no bournvita stains. He has that Colgate smile. His hair is cut low and neat like a military man. He looks darn good, and he knows it too. Everyday you see him, he looks like he is wearing his best outfit. He looks so good that you have sometimes forgotten yourself in the process of watching him. Everything about him betrays his opulence. My God, he is scrumptious. He walks the walk, but does he talk the talk? Certainly, a man like this must have that captivating voice, right? Eager to know, you approach him and strike a casual conversation with him. You say – more like ask, “It’s a beautiful day, isn’t it?”

He looks at you, smiles that expensive smile, and says, “Oh yes, it’s a beaurriful day.” Not wanting to believe you heard what you just heard, you ask him, “What did you say?” With confidence and a million dollar smile, he repeats, “I said it’s a beaurriful day.” But how could such an epitome of visual perfection pronounce beautiful as beaurriful? Surely, it must not have been him. Unfortunately, it was indeed him. Apparently, a person’s looks can be poles apart from the words that exit his mouth. Not wanting to believe he is as dumb as he sounds, you continue the conversation, hoping it will get better.

Did he just ask you if you are Yoruba or Igbo after you told him you are from Ondo State? Yes.

Did he just ask you if you were born in London or in UK? Yes.

Did he just tell you he needs a glass of ‘warer?’ Yes.

And yes, he just said the humidity is hot.

Do not tell me I am the only one who has experienced this.

It feels a lot better when you see a guy who is forgettable. He looks like an average Joe, nothing special. But the moment he opens his mouth, you need not wonder just how high his IQ is. He speaks English like he invented the language. Who knew that English could make you feel all girly inside? He makes you feel like enrolling in English 101 again. Who cares if you are a grad student?

When the case is reversed and you see a good-looking man who looks like he just stepped out of the cover of a GQ magazine, the last thing you want is for him to sound like an Onitsha trader, throwing in at least one ‘nna men’ in every statement he makes. You cannot help but wonder how such a man got into such clothes. It is a mystery, I know.

Of course, this problem does not discriminate against any gender. Men are just as susceptible to having the shocker of their lives. As a man, you may see a woman whom you swear is Halle Berry’s twin. Her hair is beautiful. Her skin is flawless; she looks like Mac used her face to create ‘pancake’ for women. She’s got the high cheek bones, the hypnotizing eyes, the small waist, big hips, powerful ass, and of course, kissable lips and touchable tits (excuse my French, but I needed to rhyme).

So you take her along with you as your date to your ex’s wedding. You need to show your ex that you have moved on, and are now with someone more beautiful. You are now with someone who beats her hands down. In the reception hall, women stare at your date; men gawk at her. In fact, you could swear you saw your ex, the bride, rolling her eyes at her. Amongst the other women, your date looks like a rose in a field of green grass. Men seem to be quietly begging you to tell them the koko – how did you win this chic over? You are the man. She’s perfect. You’re perfect. Life is perfect. You smile the smile of a confident, self-assured man. Only winners can smile that type of smile. And you are a winner, right?

Dinner comes along. Your mouth drops open and hangs open for an uncalculated amount of time.

Is that your date licking – more like sucking - the egwusi soup off her fingers? Yes.

Is she doing it with all the sound effects too? Yes.

Is that your ex, the bride laughing at your date? Yes.

Did she just stain your white tuxedo shirt with soup? Yes.

Is she chewing (and sucking) that meatless bone? Yes.

Did she just hit the bone on the ceramic plate to force out everything inside the bone? Yes.

In public? Yes.

Are all eyes on you? Oh, yessss.

Thus goes the cycle of life: everyone is missing something. The good-looking man and sharp dresser does not have the voice. The man with the voice looks like a village headmaster. What is a girl to do? Of course, there is always that guy who has both the looks and the voice, but he has no words. He’s a beautiful man with a beautiful voice and ugly words. Well, the words themselves are not ugly; it is the sound of them that is ugly.

Have you ever heard a sexy, baritone voice that sounds like he just erupted from the village square? He’s got the voice, but no words. What a waste! Even when he is speaking English, he still sounds like he is speaking Yoruba. All the words that start with ‘h’ (like house, horse, etc) have somehow managed to exit his mouth without the ‘h,’ so they now sound like ‘ouse’ and ‘orse’. Instead, he has decided to put the ‘h’ in front of every word that starts with a vowel. He pronounces ‘earring’ as ‘hearring,’ which now makes it sound like ‘hearing.’ As you can imagine, this can complicate things tremendously, especially for those whot are not aware of what is going on. It is fair to say that the ‘h’ has been lost in transition. The Igbo ones, on the other hand, are very good at changing the pronunciation and syllables of words. ‘Make’ is often pronounced as ‘mek,’ and ‘did’ is often pronounced as ‘didi.’

Countless disappointments have thought me to expect nothing. Not having any expectation means not having to deal with any disappointment that is likely to follow through. I should say, however that I would rather hear a beautiful voice and be disappointed by the look than see a beautiful man and be disappointed by his voice. Somehow, it is easier to get over the look. As people begin to grow on you, they begin to look good. And it makes a lot of sense because beauty is in the eye of the beholder. This explains why no one ever thinks that his or friend is not good-looking. But how does one begin to fall in love with a voice that is sure to send him/her to an early grave? Well, either an early grave or prison – for killing the owner of the annoying voice.

If you ask me, I would say this is just one of God’s many ways of being funny. The man’s sense of humor is uncanny. I have never met anyone quite like Him. I maintain that He is the funniest Man ever. No one else in history has set a judgment date that everyone must attend, and yet refused to tell anyone the date. Simply amazing, I tell you.

www.verastic.com

P. O. BOX 7893
Essex, MD 21221
United States

443-934-9039

vera@verastic.com

69 comments:

Chari said...

Hahahaha!!!

Vera u don turn the bend I swear!

buh yeah ur not the only one that has faced that enormous mountain of difficulty...lol...ma own was sweet voice..razz girl...chai..

Standtall said...

Deep thinking mlady and yes. Life's wonder I call this.

BTW is God a man?

Jaguda said...

hmmmm what a piece. my ex once told me she was in the car with this fine dude and both her and her friends were checking him out till he spoke. the earth stopped, as he rattled one machine gun after another, bastardising the lingua franca.

@standall- of cos God is a man. isnt it obvious?

Standtall said...

@Jaguda: no, it's not obvious that God is a man. You tell me how u draw ur conlcusion

ShonaVixen said...

Enjoyed reading this!and you are not the only one this has happened to! We went to a wedding one time and there was this guy who looked so much like Blair Underwood, brothaman was fine! Wiv ma girls, we made sure we'd be seated @ his table...wrong move..this man killed our appetite!He was slurping on his beer (yes beer), chewing and talking at the same time!He made true the statement 'all that glitters isnt gold'!!LOL

Anonymous said...

the above comments and blog are too funny! how come no one is claiming to be the type of person described in the blog. lol!

archiwiz said...

LOL...This is hilarious....and unfortunate...

Vera Ezimora said...

Standtall: Well, God is a man to me because I have never had any reason to think otherwise.

Jaguda: Unfortunately, that has happened to the best of us. You see this fine man and he's the best looking thing until he opens his mouth.....kai! I, too think that God is a man.

Chari: LOL. I can only imagine. How pesis go take deal with dat kin situation na? Nawa o.

ShonaVixen: LOL. Hahahahaha. Slurping on his beer? Ouch. Talk about major mood killer. Hehehehe.

Anonymous: LOL. Of course, no1 will admit to that. But I know some people oh...lol.

Archiwiz: Lol. It really is unfortunate...and hilarious.

Standtall said...

Vera dear: I have always knowing that God transcends gender. He is neither a man nor a woman. He created us in His own image but we can’t call him an hermaphrodite. Can we?
God is a spirit and a beautiful one. If he were to be a man, he will make mistakes, if he were to be a woman, he will make mistakes too. But our God is perfect. Though it’s convenient to use the pronoun HE and call Him a father but God is not a man.

Just giving my anaylsis not imposing my opinion on either you or Jaguda…

Vera Ezimora said...

Standtall: Well, I understand where you're coming from sha. Oh well.

Jaguda said...

@standall- my analysis is thoroughly based on the bible, nowhere else. although the bible does not make specific mention of God's gender, the fact that adam was created first, and the fact the man is the head of the family and the fact that men do not have any sort of biological clock[i.e. no menstruation, no menopause,no time limit on child bearing] suggests to me that God is indeed a man. also as vera put it i have had no reason to think otherwise. its faith that turned into fact. im not imposing on you too, got nothing but love for you[wink wink]

Adewale Ajani said...
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Adewale Ajani said...

Ms. Ezimora,

"Since light travels faster than sound, people appear bright until you hear them speak."

But sincerely, one can't have it all - you have to hit a compromise between what you desire and what you can('t) live with.

ynot! said...

"...than see a beautiful(?!) man and be disappointed by his voice..."

which is easier: educating/changing his manner of speaking... or turning him from being ugly to being handsome? *serious plastic surgery* LOL

anyways, am sure you know what you NEED.

Teni said...

Is Boorish Male the man with the unforgettable voice?

bumight said...

you can even take this a step further and closer to home: blogging.

you read a guy/babe's blog, and you already have a mental imagination of what the person would look like. He/she might even be funny/witty. I tend to be "attracted" to bloggers that read witty.

more oftenn than not, the person ends up in one of the categories u blogged about, either the person looks funny (trying not to use ugly here, lol!) or the person sounds razz!

PS: i have met seen one or two male bloggers, and they look and sound cool, but the scenario I described above is the exact reason why I dont want to meet more. It is better not to be disappointed my sister!

Vera Ezimora said...

Jaguda: LOL. I will let you and Standtall continue this battle of God's gender. If you're both nice 2 me, I will ask Him (God) when I speak to Him tonight. But you have to be nice 2 me ooo!

Adewale: You're very right. People often do appear bright(er). If only there was a way to communicate without sound...???

YNOT: Actually, I don't know what I need, but you sound like you know. Care 2 share??

Teni: LOL. Why would you think that? Well, Boorish definitely has an unforgettable voice, but he is not the one I was describing.

Bumight: Dat na dangerous grounds wey you dey walk on. In fact, I refuse to indulge you sef. LOL. Feel free to call me a chicken. I agree....I'm a chicken! Say err, who are the bloggers you saw/met??

Standtall said...

@Jaguda: I see you point. I just wonder how the roles and responsbilities placed on both gender can be termed to whether God is a man or not. I wonder too how women haveing menses and all can make God be a man. Hmmm this argument looks somehow.

I still remember too from bible teaching that God said he created both men and women in his own image and as you can see we all have eyes, legs etc the dfference is our sex organs and the womb which is there for a purpose.

I have listened to a lot of reknowned pastors, preachers and they do not believe God is a man. Thank God you yourself said bible did not specify God's gender. Adam was created first according to the bible but he has flaws but God does not. He is perfect and you cannot call him a man. I am not saying God is a woman if that is the vibe you are getting. It's just that calling God a man sounds "belittling" to me.

Men being the head of the family is because God place His trust on the gender to be Godly leaders but that is missing now adays.

Just like you mentioned a lot of people are now using child-bearing limitation (which is for the health of the woman), menopause( must a woman bleed forever?), menstruation (which is to be able to conceive) against the woman as if they are incomplete or as if this as diminished their significance in anyway.

And of course I know you "love" me and we are just having an intellectual discussion and I respect your views.

Just do not belittle us women while you are at it (***wink***). Love you too brova

doll said...

LMAO...

Vera Ezimora said...

Doll: Are you laughing @ the article or the debate that Standtall and Jaguda are fearlessly and shamelessly having on top of my own comment box? LOL. Hahahaha. Well, me sha... I'm laughing @ Standtall & Jaguda.

*thinking* Should I start charging them small money sef??

Standtall said...

VERA:
Doll is laughing at your post on this Vera girl. Try charging me, I will show u pepper when we meet!!!

Bunmight, Bumight, this yoru analysis na waya o

Afronuts said...

This just goes to show that Baba God no dey cheat.

Nobody can have it all. There will always be a cons where there is a pros

Afronuts said...

LOL! Vera, u're wondering why standtall is getting a heated debate with a guy...what do u get when a female activist jams an analytical bobo?

Your guess is correct!

TMinx said...

Im sorry but I'll have to ask what Jaguda is on about? Or on...Biological clocks and periods? That's the arguement?

Besides what does God being male or female have to do with Vera's post? Standtall answer your name! LOL

Standtall said...

@TMINX dear, Vera referred to God as a man. I then asked an inoccent question that led to the follow up comment o........... I didnt intend for it to get this long turst me. (lol). And I wasnt making a point that God is female....

Chari said...

vera ur a dulling babe o...I don update two times over...u still dey dere dey prod me to update..

Vera Ezimora said...

Standtall: You're daring me ooo! Make you no dey dare before I vex. I'll forgive you this time because I'm such a nice person, but if you try this nonsense again ehn...

Afronuts: You're very right oh. The thing sef dey surprise me. It's all good. I still maintain that I should charge them some many. Yes, Baba God definitely doesn't cheat.

Tminx: Don't mind Standtall and Jaguda. They're doing this because I have not charged them...I will soon charge them.

Chari: LOL. Sorry oh my brother. Okay, I will check it out. I'm just a little behind on so many things.

Standtall said...

TMINX you are encouraging Vera? Now if I catch both of you... I am not joking o.

TMINX: Another blogger that left a comment on my "In the Beginning post" concluded you are a guy/man. Hmmmmmm

Vera and TMINX both of you should leave me alone o. I will show you....

Jaguda said...

IM BACK! nice one standall. no beef. happy to see we finally agreed on some points. still think God is a man though! [a very perfect being incapable of wrong, not man in the sense we are accustomed to]. geddit?

Jaguda said...

@vera- mastercard, amex or visa?

Adorable said...

Vera, I once read a blogpost on Naijafineboy's site, he called it scoin-scoin (dunno if i got the spelling right). I guess the trick is to find the person with the scoin-scoin you can live with. Having said that, "beaurriful" is not a scoin-scoin I can live with lol.

@standtall + jaguda: Sometimes I think maybe there's just an inexhaustible hub of force that all religious/spiritual beliefs draw from. Maybe we shouldn't even call it God. But since I have promised myself to stop searching for answers for my numerous spiritual questions lest i kolo completely, what I have concluded is to simply believe whatever is fact to me borne out of personal experiences and not argue about it with someone else who may have experienced something different. When I die, I will find out what happens next.

tobenna said...

Vera, I'm telling you, something's wrong with you....
Hilarious read.
I rarely eat eba with my fingers, but when I do, I certainly lick the soup from my fingers. That's the way it's supposed to be enjoyed! Ah, ah. Free us oh.

At least we are better than the asians who eat rice with their hands.

Standtall said...

Okay o Adorable. Good point

Vera Ezimora said...

Adorable: "Beaurriful" is not a scoin scoin I can live with either. lol. I go just kill pesin o. As for that whole thing about God... well, no comments from me. I am in no position to talk.

Tobenna: My dear, it's not licking the fingers that is the problem per se; it's the sound effects that come along with it. It's sooooo not cute. I eat fufu with my fingers all the time.

Standtall: How r u, honey?

Standtall said...

I am fine dearie

Buttercup said...

lollll...u r so right...i've been lucky to meet a few that have it all..i can count em on one hand...it really does suck..

Vera Ezimora said...

Standtall: That's good 2 know. How's that thing we talked about? You know, the deodorant thing? LOL

Buttercup: Yeah, babe it sucks BIG time. It's a total mood killer.

OluwaDee said...
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OluwaDee said...

Vera ooooooooooooooooo.

This has to be my first time here, cos I cannot understand why it took a review by Kush to drag me down here.

I will go 4 a man with a beautiful voice and be disappointed by the look than see a beautiful man and be disappointed by his voice. 4 some reason I do not send looks, but the voice, chie! that one I take seriously o.

OluwaDee said...
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OluwaDee said...
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OluwaDee said...
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OluwaDee said...
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Standtall said...

I am using now jare

Vera Ezimora said...

Oluwadee: A lot of girls share the same sentiment: we'd rather do the voice and lose the looks. I think you've been on my other blog, or maybe I'm just imagining things. LOL. Say, what review by Kush are you talking about?

StandTall: You go girl!!! You deserve a big cookie.

miz-cynic said...

for me , ur best post eva, i liked the coordination and the way u kept answering those questions, it made it all so touching , like im feeling u seriosly, well thts the sad part, meanwhile some pple get it all o, are they lucky or wht?????im starting to thnk u hv 2 blogs o, im a new blogger so wAs it me or u and boorish were toasting each oda or smthn.....sori for my gbeborun, i love juicy stories.and u must reply o and visit my own blog too.

Mr C said...

This babe..... I must give it to you.You sabi write.

Vera Ezimora said...

Miz-Cynic: Yes, I do have two blogs. The other one is www.verastic.com and I update that one more frequently. This one is the serious blog, so to say. Thanks a lot for reading.

Mr C: LOL. Thank you sooooo much. Thank you.

AlooFar said...

Lovely read.

Naija Idol said...

someone once said to me "U are bee-tea-fool"

LMAO. As sad it is to say, my cousin has this problem too. She is BEAutiful and is one of the prettiest girls who bear my surname.She has the H factor and puts up a gross blend of american/britsh accent.told her times without no to lose the accent but she always took it personal.

Also in Benin (edo state) girls say things like

"Ho my Gold"(O my God)
"I love her reld skirlt" (i love her red skirt)
"Yex" (yes)... etc etc

Its crazy i tell u.

Vera Ezimora said...

Aloofar: Awwww, thanks love.

Naija Idol: Wow. I never knew about the Edo State thing o. This is my first time hearing it. The H factor is funny. It's even funnier when combined with a/an British/American accent. Sooo not cool to listen to.

bumight said...

you want to know the bloggers I've met? that information is going to cost you!

badderchic said...

nyze one

Uzezi said...

shit happens. don't believe everything u see.

Rita Esuru Okoroafor said...

My first time here and I enjoyed my read... like your picture.

I saw this guy driving this correct ride, looking too good to be true and just before I could finish thinking that this guy must be something out of heaven, he spat out of his car!!! The act and the sound was nothing compared to the looks.

I think it's very interesting that people are not all perfect (except when you are in love...)

Vera Ezimora said...

Bumight: How much? No be money e go cost me? Oya tell me quick quick. You know I got it like that. lol.

Badderchic: Thanks, babe.

Uzezi: I have learnt, gal. I have surely learnt.

Rita Esuru Okoroafor: You're sooo right. When you're in love, the person will be perfect. Crazy, ain't it? Gal, I have learnt to not expect much anymore oh. Coz once these guys open their mouths, they throw me for a loop with the words and voice that exit their mouth. Crazzzzy!

stuck in my throat o said...

how true..and how much sadder it is...
I was going to wear white to my ex's wedding, then decided it was far better not to show up.
I know I am more beautiful than the bride, but she is the bride..so my biff has to end...

Queen of My Castle said...

Wow..I loved this! Funny how we are the apple of God's eye, so I suppose we are all beautiful to him.

Vivacious n Chic said...

LMHO!
Lovely writing, Vera.
But, this is really so true! Another one is, u see a babe either from a distance, or her back view & u think 'wow!' Only to see her close-up & fear will catch u. Lol.
I thoroughly enjoyed reading this. :)

badderchic said...

nice read Vera

Vera Ezimora said...

Stuck In My Throat: Oh, yeah...you should definitely not wear white to her wedding.

Queen of my castle: Yes oh. We are definitely the apple of His eyes. Besides, no matter how undesirable we find someone, someone else will find them irresistable. Amazing innit? lol

Vivacious n Chic: lol @ seeing a babe that is fine from the back or from a distance. I totally understand. Very funny.

Badderchic: Thanks, babe!

Omo calabar. said...

Please update o.

Vera Ezimora said...

Omo Calabar: I will. Just gimme time, please.

ashirwaad said...

loves it!

Femi B said...

truly in my head....men you hit the nail on the head with them brothas.. why can't i pick and choose and carve out one for myself?
anyway about the show...its on FOX i think ..tuesday maybe..i just caught a glimpse of it.
Thanks for stopping by

theicequeen said...

eyyy, my dear, you speak the truth on this one o! God indeed has a sense of humour..LOL..but i'd rather be withthe not so good looking person that can make my knees weak with the way he speaks and reasons..hehe..it's so worth it! i have a "thing" for guys that can use words o! and use them properly..which would explain why i have mini crushes on some bloggers...and no, i'm not telling! LOL

and rotflmao @ "nna men" and the way "h" is missing from house and ends up being prominent in "hearring"..chai! i hate that thing ehn!

ooh and update this blog too naw, i like it o! i'm blogrolling it in addition to the Verastic one :P

Thompson Oyonmi said...

Well written..nothin' is complete. We just have to make do with situations.

Tyrex said...

just stumbled on dis,I'm glad I did. Really nice stuff you got here n educative too. Peeps like U re-affirm my Nigerian pride. Way 2 go
@post-my case was a flawless beauty,head-turning,fabulous diva minus brains...lol...really annoying

rethots said...

"Did she just hit the bone...to force out everything inside the bone?....
Are all eyes on you?...."
...and you take it all with grace, even though you boil inside; murmuring, oh, how could i have been a fool? Then, the thot lingers in your 'minds i', certainly this is the last date.

Oh yes, but then, maybe we can't always have it packaged as we dreamt it. Hmmm, why we should have the changeless but, reasonable criteria.