Tuesday, September 25, 2007

So When Are You Getting Married?

It seems like just yesterday January fourteenth rolled around the corner and I had to turn plus one, but now we are almost at the end of September. In four months time, I will be confronted with turning plus one again. God does not give me the option of getting older without turning plus one. I want to get older; I want to be more mature; I want to be wiser; I want to get the experience one only gets by spending more time on earth, but I do not necessarily want my age to go higher – at least not at the rate that it goes. Perhaps, I will feel better if it took eighteen months to turn plus one instead of twelve months.

I am not a child, and I do not wish to go back to my childhood; however, I am really just a kid at heart. The thought of being married excites me; the thought of having a man to call my own fascinates me; the thought of having children that come out of me thrills me, but even more than all that, the thought of leaving my parents terrifies me. Yes, I want to start a family of my own, but I still want to live with my mommy. Who will rub my back when I am feeling down? Who will rub my feet? Who will play with my hair? The probability that my husband will do all these is not very high – unless my husband happens to not be Nigerian which is highly unlikely. I am tempted to get into all the reasons why my mother might be a more romantic husband, but I will save that for another day.
The older I become, the more often I hear that question that no girl ever wants to hear (especially if she does not know the answer to it), “so when are you getting married?” My best friend is getting married in a month’s time, and I have stopped telling people about it because it always leads them to ask me the question I do not want to hear. I do not know when I will be getting married. I do not know how I will be proposed to. I do not know where or when I will be proposed to. But most importantly, I do not know to whom I will be getting married. But no one asks me who I will be getting married to; everyone is concerned about when.
Things have gotten so bad that my own father gave my number to his friend who has a son. My father told me all the supposed good things about his friend’s son – he is in the military (is that supposed to be a good thing? I hear the military guys are all whores); he flies planes for the military (Oh great! In addition to possibly being hit by a stray bullet, he also runs the risk of dying in a plane crash); he is Igbo (so what? I hear they do not make them like they used to anymore. But then again, were they ever really that good?); he is in med school (how nice! I can look forward to my potential husband spending all his time in the hospital. And let us not forget the student loans), but my father failed to tell me if his friend’s son was single and looking. I guess all that mattered was the relationship between my father and his father.
I concluded that the guy would have to be really desperate to actually call me. I mean, what would he say when he calls me? “Hi, my name is ---, and I got your number from my father who got it from your father who said we should mingle and see where this might lead to.” Yeah, there goes the introduction I have been waiting for all my life. I did not expect him to call; he never did call, and my mind forgot the issue. But then months later, my father asked me if he had called, and that was when I remembered him. I am ashamed to admit this, but a part of me was sad. Why did he not call?? He should have at least called to hear my voice. He should have at least considered the possibility of God working in mysterious ways. Yes, indeed, I am pathetic, I know. So that was how my relationship with the flying military man in med school ended before it got a chance to start.
Like I stated earlier, my best friend is getting married in a month’s time; another close friend of mine is getting married this Saturday (September 29th 2007), and yet another friend is getting married in November. Everyone has been asking the same question, and I am sick and tired of saying I do not know. Besides, saying I do not know only prompts the one asking to ask another unanswerable question, “Why now?” What the heck?! I can go ahead and explain to anyone who cares to hear that I have an idea of what I want my wedding gown to look like; I know the exact engagement and wedding ring I want; I know where I want to do my traditional marriage; I know what I want the ceremony to be like; I know what I want the white wedding to look like; I know what kind of marriage I want to share with my husband, and I even have an idea of the songs we will play that day, the names of our children, and how many I want to look like me (I want at least one boy and one girl to look like me)!
In fact, I also know that I want five children (including a set of twins). I am so sure of my twins that I have secretly started calling myself Mama Ejima or Mama Ibeji. Yes, I have claimed it already. All I need now is the ‘who’, but no one is asking me that. I guess all that matters is that I know when I will be getting married. Finding the ‘who’ should not be too difficult seeing as I have thousands of men knocking my door down and asking my parents for permission to pluck the ripe flower in their garden. Yeah, right!
My friend Uche (who will probably kill me when she sees her name in this article) has been single for the longest time. She has been so single that I have started wondering if she has died and just does not know it. Perhaps, she is a ghost and I am the only one who can see her. Why else would able-bodied men keep passing her by and not asking her if she is at least in the market. But that all recently changed. Uche went on a date on Friday (September 21st), and he was an able-bodied young man. Not only did Uche go on a date, but she also has another guy begging for her attention. Uche is still single to my knowledge, but the difference is that she now has potential boyfriends. Suddenly, Uche’s new wave of ‘manfullness’ has given her the confidence to have pity on me. She said she will help me out of my predicament. I did not even know I had a predicament!
How am I supposed to tell people when I will be getting married if I do not even have a man to propose? Or am I supposed to propose to myself and marry myself? That would actually not be such a terrible idea since I consider myself the best partner anyone can ever dream of, but I cannot afford the ring I want. Besides, I kind of need a man to have the five children that I plan on having, and going to a sperm bank is out of the question. Another perk of getting married is the tax breaks that married couples get. Who does not want or need a tax break? I know I do. Oh well, I guess I would just have to wait for my darling to show up. I have to say it is taking him a mighty long time to get here, but with all the humidity and global warming occurring, transportation must have slowed down. That is my story, and I am sticking to it.
Of course, if I could have a meeting with God, I would suggest He creates a Custom-Made Spouse program – a program in which people – men and women alike – can create their partner just as they want him or her. But I know this is merely a fantasy that will never come to pass. But if for any reason God decides to create such a program, I will not mind being the first to utilize it. Heaven knows I am in dire need of it. Until then however, I will just have to wait for my darling like every other woman out there.
So when am I getting married? Beats me. But if you find out, do let me know, please.

Comments are generously welcome.


Funmie said...

ahahahahha, i could not stop laughing vera! WHEN ARE U GETTING MARRIED uhn...lol
Tim will roast u alive i swear, amabout to call her to let her in on dis juicy gist.
and when next someone asks u y u dont know when u getting married? go with the easy way out and say Aunty, Gods time is the best...lol. I used Aunty 'cos its all those naija aunties from no where dat be asking dem ignorant questions.
LMAO, Tim wants to help u with ur predicament? ahahahahahahha, u are too much.
pick up ur damn phone girl

Funmie said...

n inbtwn.....AM FIRST

Anonymous said...

Vera, u need deliverance. Thats all i got to say like oh my gosh!

Anonymous said...

Leave it to the man upstairs.

babzent said...

Well, I'd just ask again, so, when are you getting married?

Had a funny experience,was @ a wedding sometime ago and after d church service,myself and a friend was watching from a distance while some pretty ladies greeting some older women(aunties and mummies i guess).I told my friend dt I'm sure they're asking those girls when it'd be their turn.It was quite obvious they were single (they had d "when would it be my turn?" or "how i wish it were me"look on their faces).My friend and I were just having a good laugh not knowing that an elderly woman was close by listening,and suddenly she just asked "What about the two of you?" She was like u should be stepping up rather than making fun of them, but we just told her (jokingly and politely)that,if we say hi to any of those chicks,we'd sure b getting marriage vibes in a week, and mama, the time ain't just rite. It takes more than meets d eye to get married.Obviously she saw us as eligible bachelors.

Wait 4 ya turn,na so life be!

temmy tayo said...

You need to let God decide.

Ugo Daniels said...

Just stamping my arrival, will be back laterz, off to class now. Cheers!!

Seun Al said...

vera so u r under-estimating God huh? Juss put in your order of all you want with God like sola did and i know ull soon be only waiting for "tall glass of chilled champagne." very nicely done,as always.

The Life of a Stranger called me said...

I like your take on things. Really enjoyed it. Only you need do is hand the matter over to God and the rest He will do. I have seen Him in action and Know He is more than able. You'll see.

Anonymous said...

nice piece but na only naija women dey worry themselves about that. To all of una i say no dey play "da hard 2 get game"

joicee said...

Lol @your Dad.... He's only looking for his daughter

Love your honesty.......I would have felt bad too that the guy did not even call.

TaureanMinx said...

I don't even know what to say to that babzent dude. Your comments don't come across very well but then sometimes words don't convey the true or complete picture. I will leave it at that.

olaide said...

Vera this issue of marriage is so serious infact the battle has gone to NVS! have u read this post
Its the real season of endearment!
I hope to write my story about this issue very soon !

Anonymous said...

I hear you!

I'm in NY, a pretty decent, fit, good looking person, and yet have not gone on 1 date for over 2 years....recently my close friend in MD, who was in the same predicament, has had several dates, I asked her whether that boosted her ego, and all she seemed to focus on was that they were not the right one...well, I'm sorry, but I'd like to even go out on a flipping date with the "wrong one"

All parents, aunties, uncles, friends need to chill...the questions frustrate me!

Anonymous said...

LMAO...ur article is one very funny and interesting one. gosh, i have laughed till i started crying. keep up d gud work. seems like u r a fun to be with person, guys r really missing out o. i'm in a relationship too and tired of pple asking me when it's going to be. my answer still remains "i don't know". God has surely sent someone and he is on his way like u said, transportation is very slow..lol